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HouseFic: If The Underwear Fits

Title: If The Underwear Fits.

Rating: K+

Spoilers: For “You Don’t Want to Know.”

Summary:  Missing Scene from episode “You Don’t Want to Know.” House confronts Cuddy about trying to subvert his survivor game, Cuddy tells him about the evil of visible panty lines.

Words: 600 really quick drabble type thing because I needed House and Cuddy to talk for more than three seconds this episode.

If the Underwear Fits.

“Hey Cuddy!”

Lisa Cuddy, Dean of Medicine at Princeton Plainsboro-Teaching Hospital flinched but she didn’t stop walking and she didn’t turn around, she sped up, eyes on the doors.  

“Fine, I thought these were yours but if not…  EXCUSE ME DID ANY OF YOU LADIES LOSE SOME RED SILK UNDIES?” House bellowed in the lobby.

“Bastard.” She muttered under her breath slamming the doors open.


“Ok that was a woo.” Wilson said brown eyes alight with mirth as House watched Cuddy’s ass stalk out the door. 

“Keep telling yourself that. Aren’t you supposed to be sleeping with her? “ House asked twirling the panties on his finger.

“Good point.” Wilson said with a smile. “And she is dressed for a quickie. “ He pulled the underwear off House’s finger fondling the red silk.  

House grabbed them back. “No way, I lost a perfectly good doctor to the evil lure of office politics; you want panties for your collection get em yourself.” He stuffed them in his pocket and stalked to the door.

“And you just showed the remaining members of your team, vividly, what becomes of those who dare to fraternize with the enemy. No hint of office politics in that.”

House didn’t answer he just kept heading toward the doors.

“Hey House what’s Cuddy’s blood type?” Wilson yelled after him.

“She’s A positive,” House stopped and looked at his friend  “Cameron is B positive, I always thought that was ironic, Chase is O negative and Forman is also O neg. I like to keep on top of things.”

“Creepy.” Wilson muttered as House stalked out the door.


She was sitting on his bike.  Well more leaning on it, but House was acutely aware of the thin layer of cloth that separated Lisa Cuddy’s naked ass and his motorcycle. His mouth went dry for the second time that day.

“You really are an ass.”  She said arms crossed as she pushed herself off the bike to walk up to him.

“These are mine now.” House pulled the red jumble of silk out of his pocket. “Don’t think you can charm them off me.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”  She let her eyes rake him a hint of a smile twitching her lips even as her eyes remained serious. “Besides, they aren’t really my type.” 


“They also aren’t mine.”

House rolled his eyes. “Don’t try and back down from your power play now, you sold your underwear to try and use your evil influence on my team of elite freedom fighters, how does that not make the evil empress a whore?”

“Well for one thing.” She reached down and unbuttoned her skirt.

House’s eyes popped as she unzipped it and pulled the skirt open. She didn’t let it drop but she did give him a view.

What the hell are those?” House demanded.

“Commando Invisible Girl Shorts,” She zipped the skirt up and re-buttoned it. “I hate panty lines.” She said conversationally “I told Cole what kind of ladies panties turn you on and he picked them up on his lunch break. I also told him I wouldn’t deny they were mine if he nominated Kutner. He’s a lawsuit waiting to happen House.”

“That’s what insurance is for.” House looked at the red silk panties again.  “These really aren’t yours?”

“No, those are yours. Wear them in good health.”

Cuddy turned and walked away heels clicking the pavement.

In his head House heard the magician saying something about the truth being a poor subsititute for magic. And, as he watched Cuddy walk away, with no panty lines showing, he decided just this once, to embrace the illusion. 

The End


( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 3rd, 2008 11:43 am (UTC)
That was awesome ^.^A short one but smart,funny and so in character :)
Apr. 3rd, 2008 02:39 pm (UTC)
OH more comments! Thank you so much! ::::beams::: made my thursday!
Apr. 3rd, 2008 08:50 pm (UTC)
thank you!
Jun. 16th, 2011 06:42 pm (UTC)
I'm making amends for simply telling you I like your fics and not leaving actual comments by going through and re-reading all of them (and leaving comments this time)... I have to say, I think I'm getting the better end of this deal. :)

BTW, this line...? “These are mine now.” House pulled the red jumble of silk out of his pocket. “Don’t think you can charm them off me.” Perfect.
Jun. 17th, 2011 02:07 am (UTC)
Thank you, you brave person for reading all my unbetaed stuff.
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )