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Last year I signed up for two fics for the Cuddy-Fest.  The first, "Living the Nightmare." I finished in time. Yay me :)  The second, barnburner for the prompt "Five times Cuddy really wanted to hit House and one time she did."  Remains unfinished and at this point it probably won't be. I figure if canon Cuddy has enough self-control to not punch House when he says "You'd make a great mother." in Joy or after the boob grab in LTEC, she isn't going too.

Since how Cuddy was compelled to use the password "partypants" for the PPTH main frame relates to the time (in my fic) that she did hit him and it came up in a discussion I'm posting it here.
This is a vignette, unfinished and unbetaed, and since I'm dysgraphic and have a doctor’s note that says punctuation is optional, when I say unbeated I really do mean read at your own risk.  You have been warned. 

Round One: The Left Hook.

Ann Arbor, Michigan.

It was almost romantic, House would think later, he’d seen the ass from across a crowded room and, even having put his brain chemistry in a state of pleasurable imbalance, he was still able to recognize greatness. The ass waved in the air as the woman attached to it bent over. The round globes looking as if they might just burst the denim seams of her shorts and the word “party” a taunt spelled out in sliver thread across each cheek.

He’d ambled over, weaving heedlessly through the people around him, His focus on that butt. He wondered what the woman attached to it was like, could she live up to it? Did she even matter with that following her everywhere? He reached out and grasped the globes in his hands feeling the firm toned muscle through the fabric.

He registered the squeak from the woman even as he gave a firm squeeze, feeling the tensile strength in the gluteals. He wasn’t stoned enough to expect no reaction. Most people reacted if you grabbed their ass cheeks and squeezed, but it was a frat party, it was long past midnight. The parts of his brain that were still, mostly, functional anticipated a squeak and then some drunken repartee followed by an enthusiastic tussle in one of the rooms upstairs.

He was right about the squeak.

The woman straightened fluidly and spun toward him so quickly his hands were detached from her butt without his realizing it, one moment warm firm and fully packed flesh under his fingers, the next nothing.

The fist hitting him in the face was a shock too.


“What the hell is the matter with you people?”

 Lisa Cuddy was beyond fury as she watched the asshole who’d groped her stagger back into the couch behind him looking surprised.

She’d had no intention of coming to this frat party. She’d been warned before she’d even gotten to the school that if she wanted to keep her inhibitions, clothes, virginity and brain cells intact, she’d avoid the first week frat parties which were designed to separate freshman girls from all of the above.

And she had. She was very aware that she was at one of the best schools in the country with an excellent pre-med program on a full scholarship. She was not going to fuck this up.

Her roommate Emily Parker though,  had just done four years in a convent school and she’d gone to every frat party she’d been invited too and gate crashed the others, She’d told Lisa she was making up for lost time. She spent every night partying and every morning puking her guts out in the dorms bathroom.

As long Emily didn’t puke in their room Lisa didn’t care. With one brother in a bad band and another in love with every violent sport known to man she’d learned to concentrate through pretty much anything. If Emily wanted to be stupid, Lisa figured it was her choice.

Except… except Emily’s dad had left a message on their answering machine about showing up tomorrow to take “Princess Emily” to an early breakfast.  

Lisa hadn’t waited she’d just grabbed her room key and started looking for the parties. She searched all the frat houses and in the process she’d been grabbed, groped, kissed, pinched and propositioned umpteen times.

She’d finally found Emily passed out under a table. She was still wearing her most of her clothes, but her blouse was open, her bra undone and her skirt was hiked up around her waist, Lisa couldn’t see Emily’s underwear anywhere.

The asshole who grabbed her butt was the last straw. She’d reacted with furious intent. She pulled her right foot back and twisted her torso to the left cocking her arm as she let herself unwind and hit the stupid son of a bitch square in the jaw. It wasn’t much of a left hook. She hadn’t had the time to set it up properly and she overbalanced on the follow through, but it felt good. She glared at him as he balanced on the couch looking confused.



What’s the matter with us?” the tall guy glared at her rubbing her jaw. “Who teaches a girl how to throw a left hook? He looked at her quizzically, “Are you a transsexual?”

“No hitting party pants.” Said another frat guy from behind her with a pinch, she turned but he’d backed out of her reach with a grin he probably thought was sexy.

“Losers” she hissed scanning the crowd. “Hey!” She yelled, “I need someone to help me take my roommate home and get her conscious before her dad shows up in… “ She looked at her watch “Four hours.”

“She shoudda thought of that before she won the drinking contest.” The guy she’d hit muttered rubbing his jaw

“She won the drinking contest?”

“Sweetheart, she was the drinking contest.”

 The conscious frat boys and partiers sniggered.   

Lisa ignored them, she had limited options, Emily was unconscious for one thing, but she did have a powerful hole card. She climbed up on the table Emily was laying under “If no one wants to help me take her home and hide this from her parents then who wants to explain this to her Dad,” Lisa said as loudly as she could over the noise “ he’s the attorney general.” She let those words sink in for a few seconds. “Of Michigan.” She watched with a grim smile as several of the older frat guys got sober fast and went into an urgent huddle.

Lisa jumped off the table to check on Emily. Surprised to find the guy she’d hit hooking her bra and pulling her skirt down.

“Did you do this?” She demanded.

“I only have sex with conscious girls, thanks.” He said idly laying a hand on Em’s forehead before peeling back an eyelid and examining a pupil.

“What are you doing here then?”

“Nice.” He said with an ironic smile as the older frat boys made their way over.

“Ok Party pants,” The spokesman, who appeared to be the least tipsy of the group said “take your friend and go; we’ll pretend she was never here.” He said it as if he was being magnanimous, doing her a favor but Cuddy could see he was sweating. The music had been turned off and several of the younger guys with the word “pledge” prominently painted on their heads were rushing around the room throwing bottles into trash bags.

“I can’t carry her six blocks to the dorm” Lisa pointed out fiercely.

“Well I can’t spare anyone from emergency clean & sober duty.” He said just as fiercely back.

“That’s fine. I’ll have her DAD pick her up here, shall I?”

 The leader of the frat boys rolled his eyes, “Maybe Greg will help you out—“

“Greg won’t” The guy she’d hit said quickly. He was taking Emily’s pulse.

“Whuts wrong with her?” One of the other guys asked.

“I’m guessing she’s drunk, moron.”

“Greg my man, a word,”

 The leader pulled Greg up and hustled him out of earshot. To Lisa it looked like there were a lot of threats going back and forth, until at last they returned and the tall young man bent and scooped Emily up and over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.  

“Lead on McPartypants.” He told her glumly.

“Thank you.” Lisa said and she meant it.

“Just don’t tell anyone I did something nice, I’m working on a reputation as a jackass.”



( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 13th, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
I like your "partypants" origin story so far! Any chance of you finishing it...?
Jan. 17th, 2009 11:17 pm (UTC)
I love it! Very clever and fun :D
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )